A Christmas Wish List For Quin Snyder’s Utah Jazz
By Greg Foster
Dec 19, 2014; Orlando, FL, USA; Utah Jazz head coach Quin Snyder (C) talks to his team during the second half against the Orlando Magic at Amway Center. The Jazz won 101-94. Mandatory Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports
Ed: Eat your heart out, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus. And he knows if you’ve been bad or good, Jazzland. Here is our Utah Jazz Christmas wish list for Quin Snyder.
Dear Santa,
Hey, it’s me, your old pal Greg. I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. I’m sure things are awfully crazy up North right now with the big day right around the corner. Best of luck with all of that.
At any rate, I hope you’ve noticed how good of a boy I’ve been this year. I’ve worked extra hard. I’ve donated time, money and goods to various charities. I paid my taxes in full and on time. I quit cursing so much in public. I hold the door open for people — especially the elderly — whenever the opportunity arises.
All in all, I’ve had a good year, and with your clairvoyant ability to see when I’m sleeping and such, I hope you’ve taken some joy in all of it.
The true reason why I’m writing you, Santa, is that I have a few things on my Christmas wish list that I’d like you to get for players on my favorite NBA team — The Utah Jazz. I hope that in the spirit of Christmas, you’d find a soft spot in your heart in regards to this list, as these gifts are not for me — being it the whole season of giving and everything.
I’ll begin with head coach Quin Snyder.
Santa, I’d like it if Quin could get a spa day and few yoga sessions in order to relax and release some tension. I feel like a mud bath, deep tissue massage and some down dog would do him a whole lot of good. I like coach and I want him around, but if the Jazz play like they did against the Charlotte Hornets again, I’m afraid he may end up having an aneurysm/volcanic meltdown. The results of which could be catastrophic.
Next, I’ll move on to the point guards. I’d love it if both Trey Burke and Dante Exum could spend a few weeks hanging out and training with Russell Westbrook and John Wall. Exum and Wall especially—he could teach Dante so much about using his size to his advantage, making smart plays and getting easy buckets.
As far as my Russell Westbrook wish, well, he could teach both of our point guards a few things about playing with fiery aggression, locking other guards down defensively and attacking the hoop. Y’know something kinda like this:
Oh man, if Dante ever did that, Santa, I might pee my pants in excitement.
Next, I want Rudy Gobert to get a years worth of personal training from this guy, along with as much weight gainer, protein and other supplements he needs to become the biggest, strongest and nastiest rim protector in the league. Rudy Gobert’s improved leaps and bounds from when he entered the league, now just imagine him with another 20 pounds of muscle on his frame. He’d be dunking everything in sight and swatting balls halfway to Jupiter.
For Alec Burks, I want him to receive the Cybertech Postural Extension Kyphosis & Osteoporosis Back Brace. Alec is a victim of poor mechanics. Too often we see him fading away on an open jumper, becoming unnecessarily unbalanced, only to clank the shot off the back of the iron. 1,000 shots a day with that thing strapped on him and those poor mechanics will be a thing of the past.
Another thing, Santa, with you being all-seeing, I’m sure you’ve recognized the improved play of Enes Kanter. He’s an established scoring threat in the league now! Hell (oops, I mean heck), even his defense has improved! But I’m not sure it’s enough. For Enes, I’d like a copy of Vince Flynn’s #1 New York Times bestseller: Protect and Defend. After reading this book, my hope is that Enes will become inspired to be a gritty, lockdown defender—the likes of which us Jazz fans have never seen.
Strictly for comedic purposes, Santa, I’m hoping you could get Joe Ingles the SKLZ Hopz Pro Vertical Jump Trainer. Just imagine, Joe Ingles, with all his goofiness, exploding to the hoop with a 40″ vertical. Nothing would bring me more joy than to watch Joey throw down some put-back dunks or posterize some poor unsuspecting soul. Think about the hilarity, Santa, and then do the world a favor.
Santa, we all know that Gordon Hayward and Derrick Favorss are the best players on this Jazz team. No one’s debating that. My proposed gifts would do wonders for their confidence and sense of belonging among the league’s elite players. I’d like Gordon and Derrick to get invited to play in both the All-Star game and for USA Basketball this upcoming summer. Just think of all the good it would do. I mean, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?
And lastly, for the rest of the team, I was hoping you could give them a copy of the “Bad Boy’s” 30 for 30 documentary. I’ve already written about how this Jazz team needs to get tougher. I think watching the Bad Boys could really help my boys learn how to play with the passion, grit and tenacity needed to win it all.
I know I’m asking for a lot this year, Santa, but I hope you’ll take into consideration how unselfish I’m being. I only want what’s best for the team that I love. I hope you have a safe trip around the world and that Mrs. Claus treats you very well on Christmas Day.
All my best,
Greg
PS: Please get Gail Miller whatever she wants. She’s such a wonderful woman.