This just in: after the Thunder dismantled the Lakers 106-90, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum, Ron Artest, Steve Blake, Ramon Sessions, and other members of the Championship-winning squad apparently went missing. As of now, the police have only one suspect: Kobe Bryant.
Bryant, notorious for disemboweling teammates after tough losses, shot hateful, angry looks of disgust throughout Monday night’s contest leading police to suspect the five-time NBA Champion carried out a personal vendetta against members of his own dismal team.
Case in point: after Russell Westbrook stole the ball from Sessions with a little over a minute to go in the third period, Bryant made Sessions’ brain explode with evil ray lasers that can only be seen through infrared scopes. Police feel this is the reason Sessions acted like a scared pigeon suffering from wall-eye vision in the fourth quarter; turning the ball over on multiple occasions and then doing his absolute best to avoid taking a shot. When asked about his performance after the game, Sessions turned awkwardly from side to side and said, “Coo roo-c’too-coo.”
Police also believe Pau Gasol was subjected to harmful torture methods involving stylists and combs, due to a botched pass in Game 4 that forced him to play erratically in Game 5. He scored just 14 points in arguably the biggest game of the year, and more or less fell apart in the fourth quarter, but his hair and beard looked much more well-kept than in recent games.
Others put off by Kobe’s harmful behavior include Steve Blake, who has done nothing but stare blankly into space since missing a pivotal 3-pointer that would’ve won Game 2. Investigators believe Bryant broke into Blake’s Los Angeles home and set loose a Black Mamba snake, which bit the former Portland Trailblazer numerous times and all but paralyzed him and left him incapacitated for the final three games of the series. Eyewitnesses report seeing Blake stumbling about behind the Ford Center shortly after Game 5, mumbling apologies whilst throwing bread crumbs at himself.
Andrew Bynum appears to be the only person immune to Bryant’s rage, and even suggested “he’d be happy to play anywhere” during his post-game rant. Police report witnesses claiming to have seen a black van pull up next to Bynum as he made his way to the team bus. No word on his current whereabouts, although unconfirmed reports claim the black van later pulled up next to a Taco Bell where Bryant would undoubtedly force his teammate to consume large portions of tacos in the hopes that his play would somehow morph into that of former Laker-great Shaquille O’Neil.
World Peace is also missing.
Whether Bryant played a role in these abductions remains uncertain, but it’s doubtful anyone else could’ve so easily scared away all of those Lakers players. Police confiscated evidence linking Bryant to these crimes in the form of an oft-chewed on Lakers jersey.
In other news, Kevin Durant, the man who, along with teammates Russell Westbrook and James Harden, demolished Kobe’s Lakers and ended their 2012 NBA season (quite satisfyingly), suddenly found himself being worshipped by millions of Lakers fans who have now sworn allegiance to OKC.
Elsewhere, Utah Jazz fans rejoice at LA’s demise and likewise cheer on OKC while at the same time wishing they could’ve beaten LA years ago.